Scavenger Hunt...

Yes thats me and yes I am kissing a reindeers butt....it was a Scavenger Hunt that I made up and I just couldn't give the girls their next clue until they all kissed the reindeers butt...unfortunately they ALL refused to kiss the butt until I demonstrated for them exactly how it was done...and here's the part I haven't mentioned yet all of this was during the town parade...hundreds of people lined the sidewalks in their lawn chairs watching the four of us kiss that big wooden deer butt...Oh the things one must do to entertain our children....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS

I love you both and I hope today is full of and smiles ...

Great hearts steadily send forth the secret forces that incessantly draw great and magical moments...
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy New Year....

No New Years resolutions....why set yourself up for certain failure...why start a new year with huge weights chained to your shoulders...this year I want to start fresh and new with no gigantic expectations just live every day and experience every day as it happens...no expectations doesn't that sound light as air?

I will not loose 20 pounds this year
I will not quit smoking either
or drinking
or bing eating
or swearing
I will not promise to be nicer
or calmer
or less neurotic
I will not lay off the chocolate
or Dorito's
or Twinkies
I will not exercize like a frantic maniac
I will not promise to drive the speed limit
or turn down "seconds" at dinner
I will not promise to go to church every sunday or talk "nice" to phony people...

I will not make promise's to myself that I know I cannot keep...

Blink...

Christmas came and went. Our first christmas without Grandma I felt like I was floating above the Holiday not dropping down deep enough into the festivities to let the loss effect me. She always loved Christmas she treated every gift everyone had ever given her like it was the one thing she had always wanted. She could tell you who gave her every ornament on her tree and she knew exactly when they gave it to her even the silly little construction paper cut-outs that were all faded and crinkled . Her favorite thing to do during the Holidays was always driving around through the town and countryside looking at all of the christmas lights, she would sit in the front seat next to my Grandpa and ooo and ahhh over even the tiniest display of lights. She was amazing and kind and big hearted and she taught me so many things she taught me compassion and forgiveness I watched her dote on a spoiled insensitive moody son for years and even after all of the thoughtless and mean things he said and did to her she never once had an unkind thing to say about him. Its funny how people can only ever think of wonderful things to say about loved ones that have passed away. I could sit for hours and try to come up with a negative thing about my grandma and the only thing that comes to mind is the fact that the woman was mettlesome she could and would NOT mind her own damn business. She would get something into her head and she would nag you until you were ready to slit your own freakin' wrists just to get away from the sound of her disapproval. She had her idea of how things should be and damn it that is how you had better DO IT ! Not such a horrible characteristic considering most often she was right! She once said to me two funny little things that didn't mean a whole lot to me at the time but for some reason have managed to stay with me all of these years...she said "Lucy never follow a man that turns your head follow the man that turns your heart"... "A good Lookin' man is almost always more Lookin' then Good."

Where I Am...

At first, in the very beginning I thought about changing my Blog name, "Down the Dirt Road" after all I told myself, is not where I live anymore. I tried to come up with something kwirky and interesting something that would grab people by the eyeball and squeeze tight but nothing seemed to fit and then after wracking my brain for weeks I had a long talk with a friend of mine. We were talking about the things that have happened this year and how much my life has changed, I tried to explain how its a little hard to find myself in all of this I look around me at my apartment and at this small town and its very hard not to feel like I have stepped backwards just the slightest bit. My friend asked me if I really feel like I have stepped backwards, Are you sure thats what you've done? Can you really not see your self can you not find you in all of this? Do you still love the sound of the river? The color of the tree's in the fall? Are your children still the most important thing to you ? Do you still love to lay on a blanket under a tree and read a book? Do you still cry at sad movies and laugh at your own stupid jokes? Do you still love baby toes and the color red and the smell of dirt? Thats who you are thats where you are and when I think of you I still see fields of corn and miles of trees and front porch swings and rocking chairs, I still see country and long dirt roads.

I guess sometimes you just need someone to show you where you are , to take you by the hand and walk you straight to where you "live".

Guess its Gonna Have to Hurt...

False or phony I don't think so. I am referring to my blog. In fact I think it is pretty accurate. Very little to draw attention for much more then a quick glance to see if the pictures have changed or maybe if there are a few new lines to read. I haven't really put a whole lot of content into my posts lately mostly because I am finding it hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words more so then because I want to deceive. I suppose it would be just plain simple to write exactly what happened in terms of where I am now and how I got here. I could just blurt it out and be done with it. Just the facts...cold and harsh and unforgiveable. I left. I left because I was having feelings for another man. I left because I thought it wasn't fair to Kruze. I left because I was confused and needed to clear my mind and find something that I felt was missing. I left because I didn't know how I could possibly stay, feeling the things I was feeling. I left because I felt that Kruze deserved better. I left because I didn't feel like I deserved the things that Kruze had to offer, he gave me everything that I thought could make me happy, things that I have wanted my entire life. I left because I just didn't feel deserving of those things because still I felt pieces missing, important pieces, pieces that can not be found in things. I left.

I Don't Know

I was never looking to "better" my life just looking for something that was always missing I have hurt people and I am so very sorry for that but life should be lived in a way that makes you ecstatic to be alive and you should emit that feeling to those around you if you are just floating day to day with a sense of incompletion who are you saving by staying...